Family Matters

Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi was a Swiss educational reformer who lived from 1746 to 1827. Pestalozzi’s contributions to the field of education contributed to the elimination of illiteracy in Switzerland and had a profound impact on modern pedagogy. Pestalozzi’s motto was “Learning by head, heart and hands.” One of Pestalozzi’s students, Friedrich Fröbel, is credited with the creation of kindergarten, and Pestalozzi himself is credited with the invention of the flashcard – that tear-inducing learning tool of our youth.

Being in your comfort zone feels great. It usually involves doing something you know, being surrounded by those with whom you feel safe, and navigating topics without creating ripples of discomfort. You can relax, get into the flow, and just be without the pressure and noise of introspection.

The 2025 summer Harvard Business Review special issue is titled, Dealing with Difficult People: navigate conflict, build trust and work with anyone. There are 29 articles focused on how to build better working relationships with colleagues, how to have difficult conversations at work, and guidance on building higher-performing teams. The issue’s contributing authors are noted experts and it’s an excellent read.

I often hear from clients that they wish things were different. That desired difference is rarely about money or their business; it usually has something to do with their family. They wish they had more time with their kids, a better relationship with a sibling, more honest dialogue as a family, or a stronger connection with their spouse.

One of the keys to a long and happy life is community and connection with others. This theme emerges in academic research such as Harvard’s longitudinal study on happiness as well as social-cultural influences like Dan Buettner’s Blue Zones, and Peter Attia’s Outlive. While this fact has been written about at length, there is also a growing epidemic of loneliness in the United States, a point highlighted by the Surgeon General in 2023. And for men, the problem is particularly accute. A good friend sent me a recent New York Times article titled Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone? that was both fascinating as well as humbling as I identified with the subjects of his narrative.

Courage, in the traditional physical sense, just isn’t necessary these days. Day-to-day survival is essentially assured; it rarely requires courage. I can almost guarantee your job doesn’t require deep wells of courage for you to survive the day. And let’s be honest, despite what we might see on social media and the recent uptick in space travel, it’s the rare few attempting daring or profound feats of human endurance or technologically complex endeavors.

Deep-seated family division and conflict don't occur overnight. It is not binary – one day you’re perfectly fine, the next day, you're not. Family conflict builds over time, little by little, without your recognition, like when day slips to night.

"I spent the early part of my life trying hard to be someone else. At school, I wanted to be a great athlete, at university an admired socialite, afterward a businessman, and, later, the head of a great institution. I eventually discovered that I was not destined to be successful in any of these guises, but that did not prevent me from trying, and being perpetually disappointed with myself...

In his work on habits, Charles Duhigg highlights research showing that 40–50% of our daily actions are automatic, driven by routines we’ve repeated and reinforced time and again.

Durability is the ability to withstand wear, pressure, or damage. The idea of something being durable is most often applied to just that, some-thing. However, the idea of durability is just as applicable to people and relationships. In Peter Attia's book, Outlive, the main argument is that we need to focus on healthspan, not just lifespan. Healthspan is the period of life during which a person is in good health, both physically and mentally - not just alive, but thriving. It's the length of time you can maintain function, independence, and quality of life.

Just a word of caution: this post is a bit meta, so perhaps grab a coffee before you begin reading. Also, I'm going to talk about feelings (cue the eye roll), but there is a business case for enterprising families...

In your own mind - from your own perspective - you are always acting rationally; there are always reasons (perhaps only known to you) for your words and actions. So, while your behavior may at times seem irrational to others, it makes complete sense to you. Why? Because others have no insight into your mind. Your reasoning remains a mystery.