Most of us have an old hurt that is easy to recall. A sibling who wasn’t there when we needed them. A parent who played favorites. A decision made without us. Time passes, but a conversation or family gathering brings us right back. We replay what happened, explain why it was wrong, and imagine what we would say if we had another chance.
From the outside, we wonder why someone can’t move on. But when you're the one who was hurt, holding on can feel justified. Someone wronged you; they may never have apologized, and now letting go can feel like what happened didn’t matter. To you, it matters deeply.
Research helps explain this. In a small study of people holding grudges, researchers found a common need for acknowledgment. People wanted someone to understand their hurt. They also described feeling stuck, unable to stop returning to what happened.
Sometimes our anger feels like the only thing still saying, “That wasn’t okay.”
There can also be something satisfying about imagining the other person finally getting what they deserve. A brain-imaging study found that deciding how to punish someone who broke our trust activated a region involved in reward. Other experiments found that retaliation after rejection could improve someone’s mood in the moment (talk about a pick-me-up…).
That doesn’t mean resentment is an addiction. These studies examined punishment, not years of holding a grudge. But they help explain why getting even can be appealing. When we feel hurt or powerless, the thought of making someone else feel it too can offer relief.
In families, this can become a familiar pattern. We bring an old disappointment into a new disagreement. We listen for evidence that someone hasn’t changed. We remind them of what they did, hoping this time they will understand. The hurt deserves attention, but repeatedly arguing the case can leave everyone stuck.
A useful place to begin is a simple question: What am I still hoping this person will understand?
Maybe we want an apology. Maybe we want reassurance that it won’t happen again. Maybe we need a boundary we haven’t been willing to set. Getting clear about that need gives us something more useful to work with than another replay of the argument.
Try putting it into one sentence: “When that decision was made without me, I felt like my perspective didn’t matter. I want to be included next time.” If a conversation feels possible and safe, that gives the other person something specific to understand and respond to. It also helps us recognize what repair would actually look like.
We don’t have to excuse what happened or restore trust before it has been earned. And we may need time. But we can begin asking whether holding on is helping us get what we need.
The hurt mattered, but we don’t have to keep proving it by staying hurt.
"Whatever is mentionable can be more manageable."<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80" style="padding-top:0.75rem">~ Fred Rogers</span>
"Not everything that is faced can be changed; but nothing can be changed until it is faced."<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80" style="padding-top:0.75rem">~ James Baldwin</span>
