Making the Effort

September 27, 2026

Psychologists who study close relationships have a term for feeling understood, valued, and cared for by another person: perceived responsiveness. A review of research on romantic relationships describes its importance in building intimacy through everyday interactions. When we share a worry or explain something that hurt us, the response we receive matters. Does the other person listen? Do they take our feelings seriously? Those experiences help shape how close we feel and how willing we are to open up in the future.

That research offers a useful starting point for thinking about family relationships, especially when we’re frustrated with each other. We may feel certain that our parents, siblings, or children know we love them and that we're grateful for them. But during a disagreement, that love and gratitude can be difficult to recognize. If we stop calling, avoid a sensitive subject, or spend every conversation defending ourselves, there may be little in our behavior that helps the other person feel understood, appreciated, or cared for.

Of course, reaching out can be hard. Family disagreements come with a lot of history and, along with it, plenty of baggage. A simple suggestion can sound like yet another criticism. Being left out of a decision today can remind us of a time when our opinion didn’t seem to count. We may be tired of explaining ourselves or feel that we’re always the ones making the effort. It’s understandable to want the other person to call first. But when both people are waiting, the distance between them can grow without either person having intended it.

This is where love asks something of us. Love is a verb, and sometimes it requires taking initiative while we’re still hurt or annoyed. We pick up the phone, make time to visit, or say, “I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I’d like to talk, but I also want you to know I love you and I'm grateful for everything you've done for me.” We do this because the relationship matters enough to deserve our attention, even when giving that attention is uncomfortable. Making the effort allows someone else to experience the love we feel for them.

That effort is only the first step. Responsiveness also matters once the conversation begins. We can ask, “What bothered you most about what I said?” and listen to the answer without interrupting. We can say, “I understand why that hurt,” even when we remember the situation differently. Acknowledging someone’s feelings doesn’t require agreeing with every part of their account. It gives us a better chance of understanding what needs to be addressed. Our own experience deserves that same attention, and a meaningful discussion makes room for both.

Often, the most important action comes afterward. If we say we’ll call more often, we need to call. If someone asks to be included in decisions that affect them, we need to remember their request the next time a decision comes up. If a conversation becomes too heated, we can take a break and agree on when to return to it. These ordinary acts of follow-through give family members a reason to trust what we say. Maintaining that trust takes participation from both sides.

Consider someone in your family you’ve been avoiding or meaning to contact. You don’t have to settle every disagreement before reaching out. You can begin with a simple invitation: “Things have been really hard lately, and I know there's a lot of tension, but I want you to know that I love you and we will work through this.” There may still be frustration, and understanding may come slowly, but making the effort gives you a place to begin, and continuing that effort helps keep the relationship strong.

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