Family Matters

Deep-seated family division and conflict don't occur overnight. It is not binary – one day you’re perfectly fine, the next day, you're not. Family conflict builds over time, little by little, without your recognition, like when day slips to night.

"I spent the early part of my life trying hard to be someone else. At school, I wanted to be a great athlete, at university an admired socialite, afterward a businessman, and, later, the head of a great institution. I eventually discovered that I was not destined to be successful in any of these guises, but that did not prevent me from trying, and being perpetually disappointed with myself...

In his work on habits, Charles Duhigg highlights research showing that 40–50% of our daily actions are automatic, driven by routines we’ve repeated and reinforced time and again.

Durability is the ability to withstand wear, pressure, or damage. The idea of something being durable is most often applied to just that, some-thing. However, the idea of durability is just as applicable to people and relationships. In Peter Attia's book, Outlive, the main argument is that we need to focus on healthspan, not just lifespan. Healthspan is the period of life during which a person is in good health, both physically and mentally - not just alive, but thriving. It's the length of time you can maintain function, independence, and quality of life.

Just a word of caution: this post is a bit meta, so perhaps grab a coffee before you begin reading. Also, I'm going to talk about feelings (cue the eye roll), but there is a business case for enterprising families...

In your own mind - from your own perspective - you are always acting rationally; there are always reasons (perhaps only known to you) for your words and actions. So, while your behavior may at times seem irrational to others, it makes complete sense to you. Why? Because others have no insight into your mind. Your reasoning remains a mystery.

Forgiveness can be difficult, and we can’t fault those who struggle to forgive for we've never walked in their shoes, felt their pain nor embraced the hurt inflicted by their grievance. That said, far too often I encounter families where deep wounds have torn the fabric of their relations in a way that no amount of mending can fix.

For the last six years, I have been writing a newsletter, sometimes under the banner of Bench Consulting, at other times, Family.Inc. Today I've consolidated the letters under one name: Family Matters.

I’m going to address new year’s resolutions, a topic that has typically run its course by this time every year. But, I pray this slightly different perspective, is one you may want to explore as we just eclipsed Quitter’s Day .I have a privilege of working with some amazing clients; they are smart and by all objective measures, wildly successful.

Next week, an inordinate amount of time will be spent thinking about the year past and the year ahead. Reflections will ensue and promises will be made. If you're like most people, this annual exercise will end in vain, for statistics show that most of these hard and fast January 1 commitments are in fact squishy and soft with very little endurance. However, there are occasionally those small, sticky commitments that penetrate your soul and find their way into your daily routines and the way you look at the world, the way you look at yourself, and the way you look at others.

I was waiting for my flight at LaGuardia this week. An unfortunate combination of maintenance issues, missing crew, and a little fog, had left me semi-stranded in Terminal E wishing I were home with my family. Holiday music was playing as travelers hustled to and from flights and the feeling of nostalgia consumed me. Truth be told, I was feeling sorry for myself.

There is no arguing Warren Buffett's wisdom, particularly in matters of money. So, instead of my thoughts, today I give you perspectives from the Sage of Omaha, who this week articulated his perspectives as they relate to handling your final affairs.