We spent a week interviewing numerous family members and members of my client’s leadership team. Our goal was to better understand the family's dynamics - what was going well and what needed to improve. The positive feedback was consistent; the family was "so nice" and communicated well together.
However, this didn’t square up with additional feedback we heard, like ambiguity related to role clarity and how decisions were made, a lack of accountability, and strategy drift. While everything on the surface was “fine”, I sensed a disconnect and frustration within the ranks. Something was off.
What was going on beneath the surface?
While the family communicated often and were very affable people, they tiptoed around difficult conversations, favoring surface dialogue and kicking the can when things got challenging. It wasn’t that they were free of conflict, as my interviewees said; they were afraid of it.
This family’s dynamic reminded me of an email I read +20 years ago about the difference between “nice guys” and “good men”. Below are some of the differences from that email, and while these refer to guys and men, I would encourage you to drop in the noun that applies to your situation; mom, dad, brother, sister, etc.
A nice guy will say what others want to hear, while a good man will say what others need to hear. A nice guy will do anything to avoid hurting someone’s feelings while a good man realizes that sometimes, the kindest thing one can do for another may initially be hurtful but will eventually be helpful. A nice guy fears rejection and so he seeks validation. A good man is self-validated and does not tie his worth to whether he is accepted or rejected. A nice guy will have loose boundaries and will bend over backward just to seem nice. A good man has clear boundaries and, thus, earns the respect of the people around him. A nice guy will tell a pretty lie to avoid the discomfort of telling an ugly truth. A good man will deliver the truth, however unpleasant, because his integrity will not let him deceive anyone for his own comfort. A nice guy is worried about his reputation, but a good man is only concerned with his character.
It is natural to feel uncomfortable when faced with a difficult conversations. However, being good, as opposed to nice, is what families need to build strong bonds that will weather challenging times. And in the case of a family enterprise, being good to one another is the key to building a platform for multi-generational success.
"No legacy is so rich as honesty."
<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80" style="padding-top:0.75rem">~ William Shakespeare</span>
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80">~ George Bernard Shaw</span>
"Nothing in life is more important than the ability to communicate effectively."
<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80">~ Gerald R. Ford</span>
