"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended."
<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80" style="padding-top:0.75rem">~ Robert Frost</span>
There are three distinct ideas in this quote we need to unpack:
1) hinting versus declaring;
2) recognizing a hint; and
3) not allowing our emotions to color someone else's hypothetical hint.
First, while I appreciate Frost’s subtlety around hints, often the best course of action is to have direct conversations.
What does direct look like? Here are a few suggestions:
"When you do or say __X__, I feel __Y__."
Or...
"Here is what I’m observing about __X__ behavior."
Or...
"What I’m hearing you say is __X__, is that what you mean?"
Second, it is critical that we learn to be aware of our behaviors, recognize how others are responding to that behavior, and finally, adjust that behavior if it is not achieving its intended results. No one can do this all of the time, so it is incumbent on us to receive feedback in order to make progress.
Third, if someone’s comments sting, ask for clarity before spinning your own narrative. Try something like: “Can you tell me more about that last comment? I want to better understand.”
The only way we can determine if a hint is a hint is if we clarify if that hint was in fact a hint.
We are all horrible guessers – stop trying.
Take a few of these pointers in your home life, for as Frost says, "Home is a place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."
