We all know the quiet frustration of wanting someone we love to change. It shows up in small moments and big ones. A parent who won’t step back. A sibling who avoids responsibility. An adult child who hesitates to step forward. Conversations circle the same topics. The same patterns repeat. We see the risk. We see the strain. Often, we see the potential. And because we care, we try to help.
We explain. We reason. We point out what isn’t working. We make the case for what needs to be different. Sometimes we push harder than we intended. Sometimes we pull back, tired of repeating ourselves. And still, nothing moves.
What makes this so difficult is that our desire for someone to change usually comes from a good place. Beneath the frustration is concern. Beneath the concern is hope. We believe they’re capable of more. We want their life, their work, and their relationships to improve. In families, especially, so much tension lives in the gap between what is and what we believe could be.
But human behavior rarely changes because someone else makes a strong argument. It changes when a person feels both the discomfort of staying the same and the ownership of choosing something different. Until that shift happens internally, external pressure often creates resistance, compliance without commitment, or quiet withdrawal.
In fact, the harder we push, the more people tend to defend the very behavior we’re trying to change. Psychologists call this reactance—the instinct to protect our autonomy when we feel pushed. Most of us recognize it in ourselves. The moment someone tells us what we should do, a small voice inside begins explaining why our current approach makes sense.
This is why change inside families can feel so slow and emotionally charged. History runs deep. Identity is involved. And the more important the issue feels, the more likely we are to move into convincing, correcting, or controlling.
There is another way.
Motivational interviewing is a conversational approach built on a simple idea: people are more likely to change when they hear themselves argue for change. Instead of persuading, the goal is to draw out a person’s own concerns, motivations, and hopes. Instead of giving answers, you ask questions that help them explore their ambivalence. You don't try to coerce, you simply love with hope and concern.
Rather than saying, “You need to start stepping back,” you might ask, “What feels hardest about letting go of some control right now?” Instead of, “This is a great opportunity for you to take on more responsibility,” you might ask, “What excites you about stepping into a bigger role—and what concerns you about it?”
Then you listen. You reflect what you hear. You stay curious longer than feels natural.
Research suggests this approach works. A large systematic review of randomized controlled trials found motivational interviewing was more effective than traditional advice-giving in about 75% of studies examining behavior change across areas such as health, habits, and adherence. The mechanism is what researchers call “change talk”—when individuals voice their own reasons and readiness to do something differently.
The deeper lesson is not just a technique. It’s a mindset. When we want someone to change, our instinct is to supply motivation. Motivational interviewing assumes the motivation is already there—mixed, conflicted, and sometimes buried under fear, identity, or uncertainty. Our role is not to push harder, but to create enough safety and curiosity for it to surface.
Change rarely comes because someone convinced us. It comes when we feel understood long enough to convince ourselves.
"People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come into the minds of others."<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80" style="padding-top:0.75rem">~ Blaise Pascal</span>
"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be."
<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80" style="padding-top:0.75rem">~ Ralph Waldo Emerson</span>
