In his work on habits, Charles Duhigg highlights research showing that 40–50% of our daily actions are automatic, driven by routines we’ve repeated and reinforced time and again.
Family life is also driven by habits and patterns. Our conversations and interactions follow similar scripts, intonation, and cadences. If I asked you how a phone conversation with your mom or dad, or brother or sister would go, you could likely walk me through the typical flow. While there may be comfort found in this consistency, it can also feel stagnant, or worse, frustrating.
Given the habituality of these interactions, I'd like to suggest a more intentional approach to break the habit.
What does this look like?
To start, ask specific questions. Instead of asking “How are you?” ask “How is [X experience going] or [Y relationship]?” Asking specific questions not only shows your consideration for what matters most to them, it also prevents them from using stock responses. Consider this for a second: if you reflect on the thoughts that consume your inner monologue, they are the thoughts that matter most to you; mining for those in others shows you care about what matters most to them and leads to a deeper connection and a more impactful relationship.
Also, true engagement doesn’t end with a single specific question, it requires asking meaningful follow-up questions that open the door to vulnerability; this is where real relationship-building begins. It’s easy to ask an opening question (even that specific one), but the next two or three deeper questions - ideally, those that probe the feelings associated with an experience - will demonstrate that you’re there, present, and care about what matters most to the other person.
While being family provides an intrinsic connection between its members, durable, meaningful connection can only be achieved by immersing yourself in the thoughts and feelings your family members experience, and learning how to do that is a habit worth building.
"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80" style="padding-top:0.75rem">~ George Bernard Shaw</span>
"The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said."
<br/><span class="body-2 opacity-80">~ Peter Drucker</span>
